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Michael Ian Black: I can name three different types of monkey.10:34:11 pm ET Apr 9th from web
- Michael Ian Black: Pretty much across the board, robots have let me down.
9:19:03 pm ET Apr 9th from web
- Michael Ian Black: In anticipation of future requests from friends, please watch and buy everything.
8:52:59 pm ET Apr 9th from web
- Michael Ian Black: Confession: I'm not mad at Tiger Woods anymore.
7:36:52 pm ET Apr 9th from web
- Michael Ian Black: New, fat, moss-haired Steven Seagal > Young fit, pony-tailed Steve Seagal
6:24:11 pm ET Apr 9th from web
- Michael Ian Black: My wife bought me a Sonicare toothbrush so now I know what women feel like when they sit on the dryer.
4:50:44 pm ET Apr 9th from web
- Michael Ian Black: A billion dollars isn't cool. You know what's cool? An app that makes regular photos look blown-out and shitty.
2:47:24 pm ET Apr 9th from web
- Michael Ian Black: I am below average at spitting. :(
10:56:47 am ET Apr 9th from web
- Michael Ian Black: My wife made upside down pineapple cake for dessert tonight so fuck all y'all.
10:34:55 pm ET Apr 8th from web
- Michael Ian Black: In the spirit of the day, I forgive Joaquin Phoenix for that movie.
6:31:29 pm ET Apr 8th from web
- Michael Ian Black: There is something existentially sad about a hollow chocolate Easter bunny.
6:11:40 pm ET Apr 8th from web
- Michael Ian Black: A good gift would be hundreds of power cords for my laptop.
12:06:09 pm ET Apr 8th from web
- Michael Ian Black: Christians get all the best holidays.
11:55:19 am ET Apr 8th from web
- Michael Ian Black: "I'm over it" = "I'm not over it."
3:49:49 pm ET Apr 7th from web
- Michael Ian Black: This first Yankees game has been on the air longer than most of my television series.
7:35:41 pm ET Apr 6th from web
- Michael Ian Black: Just saw the new Jay Leno Burger King commercial. As if the crucifixion didn't have me bummed out enough today.
7:15:38 pm ET Apr 6th from web
- Michael Ian Black: Just realized everybody owes me five bucks.
6:51:13 pm ET Apr 6th from web
- Michael Ian Black: Watching the Yankees with my kids. Everybody's drunk.
5:29:42 pm ET Apr 6th from web
- Michael Ian Black: Sample lyrics to future John Mellencamp song about my life: "He thought "Survivor" wouldn't last and fajitas were a fad."
4:30:53 pm ET Apr 6th from web
- Michael Ian Black: Shut up, nerd. RT: @Bully Movie Did u know 13 million kids get bullied every year? I support @BullyMovie. Let's make it a trend: #BullyMovie
10:57:33 pm ET Apr 5th from web
- Michael Ian Black: Attention America: I can eat three ice cream sandwiches!
10:46:22 pm ET Apr 5th from web
- Michael Ian Black: I know I've been burned by saying similar things before, but I really do think Kim and Kanye are going to last forever.
8:45:28 pm ET Apr 5th from web
- Michael Ian Black: Interesting mathematical relationship: the more "spiritual" somebody claims to be, the more exponentially annoying that person is.
6:37:21 pm ET Apr 5th from web
- Michael Ian Black: NYC: Sat 4/7 10pm Gramercy Theater "You Made It Weird Live" @peteholmez @JimGaffigan @jessirklein @mccarthyredhead + me http://t.co/wicicb4X
6:31:36 pm ET Apr 5th from web
- Michael Ian Black: In five years when they reboot the Twilight series as a comedy, I've got the title: "Revamped."
4:55:10 pm ET Apr 5th from web
- Michael Ian Black: Not trying to one-up any celebrities, but I just thought about saving TWO ladies.
4:38:11 pm ET Apr 5th from web
- Michael Ian Black: One of the things I do a lot is look at lady's faces and bodies in a sexual manner.
4:08:02 pm ET Apr 5th from web
- Michael Ian Black: You guys, if you haven't bought my book yet, it's basically The Hunger Games meets 50 Shades of Grey. http://t.co/XB6SEQgF
1:09:58 pm ET Apr 5th from web
- Michael Ian Black: Now I'm basically just home alone talking to myself in a British accent.
11:49:53 am ET Apr 5th from web
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Michael Ian Black on Twitter
Bio: Magician of the heart.
Best known for: Hollywood star turned poker honk
Following: 261
Followers: 1,743,014
Twitter ID: michaelianblack
Career tweets: 12,240
Tweeting online since: February 16, 2009
In category: Acting
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