• Conan OBrien: Still not sure why, at the end of my appointment, the proctologist gave me a new toothbrush.

    2 hours ago from Hootsuite

  • Conan OBrien: I just got body-shamed by my jeans.

    yesterday from Hootsuite

  • Conan OBrien: Really looking forward to the new Disneyland they’re building on that island of plastic bottles in the Pacific.

    2 days ago from Hootsuite

  • Conan OBrien: Scientists have discovered that people who forgive tend to be healthier than people who don’t. This changes nothing for us, @SteveMartinToGo

    3 days ago from Hootsuite

  • Conan OBrien: Twitter announced they will let advertisers target users based on the emojis they tweet. Bring it on, poop companies.

    4 days ago from Hootsuite

  • Conan OBrien: If Calvin Harris can’t make it work with Taylor Swift, what hope do any of us chiseled, 6’6” DJs have?

    5 days ago from Hootsuite

  • Conan OBrien: Until Mexico has White Walkers, I don’t think we need a wall.

    6 days ago from Hootsuite

  • Conan OBrien: People in Cleveland haven’t been this happy since…wait, this is the first time they’re happy.

    6 days ago from Hootsuite

  • Conan OBrien: To the Dads out there: today and all days, may your Dockers be wrinkle-free.

    7 days ago from Hootsuite

  • Conan OBrien: “Only one more game. Thank God.” – Steph Curry’s mouthguard

    8 days ago from Hootsuite

  • Conan OBrien: I don't know that much about professional basketball, but I know this: it's going to be the Cavs in 8.

    9 days ago from Hootsuite

  • Conan OBrien: Waiting at the vet’s office for my dog to get his shots. Might let the guy in the beard of wasps go ahead of me.

    10 days ago from Hootsuite

  • Conan OBrien: Donald Trump is the living embodiment of an erection that lasts more than four hours.

    11 days ago from Hootsuite

  • Conan OBrien: Let’s get one thing clear: I never joined HYDRA. They held a “free” buffet at my hotel and they made us watch a video but I never signed up.

    15 days ago from Hootsuite

  • Conan OBrien: Success is 50% inspiration, 50% perspiration, and 50% THE SECRET PERCENTAGE INCREASER MACHINE.

    16 days ago from Hootsuite

  • Conan OBrien: I can’t wait to see Hamilton when it comes to Los Angeles, with Young MC.

    17 days ago from Hootsuite

  • Conan OBrien: Hey, sometimes your stream just bifurcates #MalePeeTalk

    18 days ago from Hootsuite

  • Conan OBrien: I wish I had a 3D print of my regrets.

    19 days ago from Hootsuite

  • Conan OBrien: This woman patiently explained that I cannot #vote for #Trump in a Democratic Primary. https://t.co/i7aPnckEYa

    19 days ago from Instagram

  • Conan OBrien: I think my Fitbit is just trying to make me feel good.

    20 days ago from Hootsuite

  • Conan OBrien: Buying a decorative gourd is like saying, “Here, let me throw that out for you in four months.”

    21 days ago from Hootsuite

  • Conan OBrien: The Taliban’s new leader is said to be “low-key.” Which explains the Taliban’s new video, “Death to Whatevs!”

    22 days ago from Hootsuite

  • Conan OBrien: It’s tough this year. I’m worried Hillary’s a liar, and I’m worried Trump’s not.

    23 days ago from Hootsuite

  • Conan OBrien: I watch RuPaul’s Drag Race to learn how to unhook a bra.

    23 days ago from Hootsuite

  • Conan OBrien: Hey NYC, the profound documentary @thewitnessfilm is opening at @ifccenter tomorrow. Do not miss it! Link to tickets https://t.co/RgHBRnjTJn

    24 days ago from Hootsuite

  • Conan OBrien: Is it weird that my wife will only have sex if I Face Swap with her personal trainer?

    25 days ago from Hootsuite

  • Conan OBrien: Have been trying an all-juice diet, and check this out – me, one hour ago! https://t.co/BfV7EOqSHK

    26 days ago from Twitter for iPhone

  • Conan OBrien: So if I don't get caught it's a "free sample" and if I do get caught it's "stolen property, please come with me, sir"? Real double standard.

    27 days ago from Hootsuite

  • Conan OBrien: I've noticed that men who tell women to "smile more" rarely comply when politely asked to "exist less."

    28 days ago from Hootsuite

  • Conan OBrien: The best assemble-yourself furniture comes with a few spare screws, spare bolts, and a pint of O-positive blood.

    29 days ago from Hootsuite

Recent news headlines:

Conan OBrien on Twitter

Hails from: Los Angeles
Bio: The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
Best known for: NBC cast-off
Following: 1
Followers: 21,002,024
Twitter ID: ConanOBrien
Career tweets: 2,543
Tweeting online since: February 18, 2010
In category: Other

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