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Dane Cook: I'm headlining the Laugh Factory in LA at 10 tonight.7:41:29 pm ET May 5th from web
- Dane Cook: Some women like to cause trouble. Well, lucky for them, trouble is my cause.
12:20:45 am ET May 5th from web
- Dane Cook: I'm in the mood for the wrong kind of attention.
9:11:58 pm ET May 4th from web
- Dane Cook: I'm headlining the Laugh Factory in LA at 10 tonight. You should come if you are in the area. If not you should think about moving here.
8:11:06 pm ET May 4th from web
- Dane Cook: I don't endorse provocative behavior for the sake of gaining attention. But I did write this post with my tanned penis.
6:29:25 pm ET May 4th from Tweetbot for iOS
- Dane Cook: The last two negative tweets prove my theory that people with the last two letters of their last name ending in "ez" really hate me.
4:28:58 am ET May 4th from web
- Dane Cook: I consider every Judd Apatow movie a sequel to Freaks and Geeks but am always sadly disappointed when Coach Fredricks doesn't show up.
7:13:53 pm ET May 3rd from web
- Dane Cook: You deserve better but so does the person you're with.
5:50:32 pm ET May 3rd from Tweetbot for iOS
- Dane Cook: Dear old man in the Safe Step walk-in tub commercial please put on a bra.
3:50:07 pm ET May 3rd from Tweetbot for iOS
- Dane Cook: There's a storm coming... http://t.co/RPLImgrW is self aware. Please head over & get ready for the invasion.
3:29:20 pm ET May 3rd from Tweetbot for iOS
- Dane Cook: “@LISALLA1: @danecook In my life, there's no "IF". #period” -- Just playing with you dork.
2:02:41 am ET May 3rd from Tweetbot for iOS
- Dane Cook: My girl gets violently angry towards me if I pour the pasta out of the colander too early. I get a restraining order.
10:25:32 pm ET May 2nd from web
- Dane Cook: 地區上線了最優的大陸東莞酒惠最快捷的大陸東莞酒店網上預地區上線. Perfectly describes how I feel today.
10:08:38 pm ET May 2nd from web
- Dane Cook: I can't use the word euouae without experiencing cramping, abdominal pain, bloating & diarrhea. I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
10:04:35 pm ET May 2nd from web
- Dane Cook: I left the building 10 minutes before the fire alarm went off. I suffer from premature evacuation.
9:56:20 pm ET May 2nd from web
- Dane Cook: I just out of the blue remembered someone I forgot to call back a year and a half ago. #busylife
9:46:14 pm ET May 2nd from web
- Dane Cook: I spend most days imagining I'm a spy. I run from cops, hide my phone like it's a gun & if trapped I swallow my "cyanide gum."
9:14:17 pm ET May 2nd from web
- Dane Cook: Quitting takes a winning attitude.
5:32:51 pm ET May 2nd from web
- Dane Cook: True beauty is on the outside.
4:56:59 pm ET May 2nd from web
- Dane Cook: In my career I've been from the top of the highest mountains to the bottom of the darkest valleys. Honestly, valleys got better food.
9:38:58 pm ET May 1st from web
- Dane Cook: Is there a phone number you can call to vote someone out of your life?
8:21:18 pm ET May 1st from web
- Dane Cook: I just watched a video of Kate Upton dancing in a bikini. So did a million other men. Hear that sound? It's a zillion sperm dying.
5:00:43 pm ET May 1st from web
- Dane Cook: I can not get me out of her mind.
4:50:00 pm ET May 1st from web
- Dane Cook: If you use the word uber to describe how hungry you are, you score 2 points on my cool test. Minus 4 if you answer the phone "yo."
3:54:02 pm ET May 1st from web
- Dane Cook: Monday. Just. Fuckin'. Die. Already.
8:55:00 pm ET Apr 30th from web
- Dane Cook: I wish you nothing . . . . . . . . oh, whoops, forgot . . . . . . . . but the best.
7:12:27 pm ET Apr 30th from web
- Dane Cook: Framing a bunch of cool shots for my office. Still can't believe this one. Wow. http://t.co/Z9AnbYXG
6:39:21 pm ET Apr 30th from Instagram
- Dane Cook: CNN Entertainment "reporting" about Octomom's potential porn future is neither news or entertaining. CNN should start CNN Ugh.
5:11:57 pm ET Apr 30th from web
Dane Cook on Twitter
Hails from: human shieldBio: When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
Best known for: Comedian
Following: 48
Followers: 2,821,729
Twitter ID: danecook
Career tweets: 3,473
Tweeting online since: February 16, 2009
In category: Acting
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