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Dane Cook: My ex keeps texting me she's so happy w/her new guy. Told her she should get a tattoo pointing to her vag that says "Dane Cook wuz here."11:49:13 pm ET Apr 13th from web
- Dane Cook: You are hardcore OCD if the backwards "Я" in Toys "Я" Us drives you berserk.
3:42:31 pm ET Apr 13th from web
- Dane Cook: Forgiveness is easy. Getting even after you've done it is hard.
1:54:16 pm ET Apr 13th from Tweetbot for iOS
- Dane Cook: My new insane movie #DETENTION with Josh Hutcherson starring opens today. Text during the movie & let us know how much you dig it.
1:49:40 pm ET Apr 13th from Tweetbot for iOS
- Dane Cook: We know... you have a podcast.
11:37:59 pm ET Apr 12th from web
- Dane Cook: In baseball the batter can now run to 1st or 3rd. #RevampedRules
8:59:57 pm ET Apr 12th from web
- Dane Cook: Boxing... from now on... 3 guys. #RevampedRules
8:58:44 pm ET Apr 12th from web
- Dane Cook: A death penalty added to hockey. #RevampedRules
8:58:16 pm ET Apr 12th from web
- Dane Cook: It's fun reading old love letters to a new person you're dating.
8:46:01 pm ET Apr 12th from web
- Dane Cook: Text this to someone right now & tell me what kind of response you get. THIS: grr mmm ohh ;(
8:34:22 pm ET Apr 12th from web
- Dane Cook: Never been honored Rock & Roll Hall of Fame style but was once inducted into a girls vagina. Sadly, so were all of her original members.
4:25:17 pm ET Apr 12th from web
- Dane Cook: Axl Rose declines induction into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. Now THAT'S being a rock star. #bamf
6:56:59 pm ET Apr 11th from web
- Dane Cook: I give great wrong advice.
4:41:50 pm ET Apr 11th from Tweetbot for iOS
- Dane Cook: Always feel I'm being watched in a changing room. After I try on jeans, I look in the mirror & say "hope you're happy you son-of-a-bitch."
3:46:21 pm ET Apr 11th from Tweetbot for iOS
- Dane Cook: Today a mother asked my if I would smash an ice cream cone into her kids face so he'd remember me forever. #Humblebrag that Twittertopia.
11:28:13 pm ET Apr 10th from web
- Dane Cook: I like a woman that can take a compliment, throw a punch & talk trash while dressed to kill. All at the same time.
8:16:23 pm ET Apr 10th from web
- Dane Cook: You should get out of any relationship where you secretly hope the other person is kidnapped and held for a ransom you can't pay.
6:44:58 pm ET Apr 10th from Tweetbot for iOS
- Dane Cook: What food group best describes your personality? I'm a lean meats, poultry, fish but tend to hang with the grains.
3:08:16 pm ET Apr 10th from web
- Dane Cook: Wish Lionel Richie was my friend. I'd invite him to a party but tell him "sorry it's not a celling dancer" to hear him say "AWW F--K YOU."
2:57:36 pm ET Apr 10th from web
- Dane Cook: At a diner. Knife on the table was dirty with blood. B. L. O. O. D. Handed it to the waitress, she says, "oh jeez, not good." Ya think?!
4:39:43 pm ET Apr 9th from web
- Dane Cook: There's no "i" in team. Unless you're Romanian & say echipă then you can unabashedly smoosh your shine in everyones faces.
4:54:58 pm ET Apr 8th from web
- Dane Cook: Peace be with you (and also with you), foreverrrrrr & everrrrrrrrrrr, your move holy man, Christ Chex.
3:33:48 pm ET Apr 8th from Tweetbot for iOS
- Dane Cook: If you've not seen this - check it out. Back to the Future ORIGINAL FOOTAGE with Eric Stoltz as Marty! #weird http://t.co/lSMgDa9W
6:57:01 pm ET Apr 7th from Tweet Button
- Dane Cook: At the dog park there's a guy wearing one of my SU-FI concert shirts. That's always so fuckin' cool. #bestfansever
5:19:27 pm ET Apr 7th from Tweetbot for iOS
- Dane Cook: Laugh Factory - 10 - Tonight
3:53:17 pm ET Apr 7th from web
- Dane Cook: When I have sex I keep the movie Armageddon on just so you'll have a barometer for which to compare your "action adventure rating."
3:46:04 pm ET Apr 7th from web
- Dane Cook: Dating makes perfect senseless.
11:07:57 pm ET Apr 6th from web
- Dane Cook: I am going to make sure this Friday night is a night to remember because you desperately want to forget.
8:43:42 pm ET Apr 6th from Tweetbot for iOS
- Dane Cook: “@courtney_cook: Just withdrew some cash at an ATM. It came out wet.” - I just deposited money I found in the ocean!
8:07:23 pm ET Apr 6th from Tweetbot for iOS
- Dane Cook: The voices in my head stopped but now I think they're talking about me.
5:00:35 pm ET Apr 6th from Tweetbot for iOS
Dane Cook on Twitter
Hails from: human shieldBio: When I tweet, I tweet to kill.
Best known for: Comedian
Following: 48
Followers: 2,821,729
Twitter ID: danecook
Career tweets: 3,473
Tweeting online since: February 16, 2009
In category: Acting
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